Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Fighting Boys
It's been tough around here lately. I'm not sure why, but the boys are fighting a lot these days. I just finished the Positive Discipline parenting class and I can tell you that I'm getting really tired of problem solving around these sibling fights. Now I'm trying the love and logic method of letting them fight and work it out for themselves AWAY FROM ME, but they're still coming to me, usually crying and blaming the other, to work it out. And so today I told them they had to go outside to fight. It's cold out so they "worked it out" pretty quickly. But overall I don't feel like I was very successful and I'm exhausted by it which isn't a good sign. Ok, enough whining.
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3 comments:
hmmmm, separating casey and shea until they missed each other worked sometimes or joe would get them mad at him so they would bond together against him, i don't suggest this. we also used to rotate days 'in charge' so one could boss around the other and the adult one day, within reason and then the other the next day and the adult the next day. it gave the youngest a chance to be in charge sometimes and both a chance to be in charge of the adult - again, within reason. or you could rotate whose in charge within the same day. i would guess having a third one to chase around makes it even harder!
You might try reading "Siblings without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. A friend of mine with two little ones and another on the way read it and found it helpful. You could probably check it out of the library and I know Amazon carries it. If you read it, let me know if it helps.
I think that pre-schoolers need vocabulary to "work it out". "Can I have that when you are done?" "I don't like it when you do that" Teaching them what to say and how to respond might help. If they are fighting over toys, sometimes a timer works.
Growing up in a large family, there were certain toys we each would receive that my mother allowed us to have power over. My mother would tell us, "It's Stevie's game. If you want to play you have to ask her." If Stevie didn't want to share that day, well, we didn't get to play.
I remember how that was so empowering. I could be selfish, or generous. It was up to me.
Still, preschoolers do need help to understand how others might be feeling. They are naturally self-centered and it is completely against their nature to see someone else's viewpoint. We have to teach them to observe facial and physical cues. "Look at his eyes. See how his arms are folded? How do you think he is feeling? Why do you think he is mad?
I try to get them to talk to each other instead of coming to the teacher. When they come to me saying "He won't let me play...He hit me...or, He took my toy" I try to give them the vocabulary, and send them back to the other person...
It doesn't always work, but sometimes I see progress. There is always the "Thinking Chair"...a place where someone can sit and think about the problem, away from the other.
Good Luck!
Just some ideas. Of course, none of this works when you are caring for a fussy infant.
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