Good for a laugh

I saw this on the counter of our local bakery this morning.

Ups and Downs

These days I'm striving for equanimity, but sometimes I'm struck by the amazing ups and downs all in a single day of parenting. There are the times when I feel a rush of pride and can't stop smiling like today when Ember greeted everyone at the pool with a wave or when she claps her hands together all tumbly and awkward when she's excited. It's so cute!

And then there are moments like today when the lifeguard insisted Beck get out of the leisure pool to publicly humiliate him for accidentally tossing a rubber toy that bonked his cousin on the head while they were playing together. This guy was so obnoxious and disrespectful. Beck is painfully careful about not breaking - or even bending any rules. And to be yelled at in such a way was terrifying for him. I watched his lip start to tremble and the tears began to fill up his goggles. It broke my heart to see him so ashamed and scared. So I just pulled him close and gave him a big hug.

And then a few hours later when I'm trying to get dinner together and the boys are squabbling and Ember is crying, I'm about ready to pull my hair out. And even later after baths and everyone is in jammies and snuggled up to me while we read stories together I feel warm and relaxed and so happy that this is me and my life.

I guess I have a long way to go before equanimity.

Ghosts in the Bushes

A Great Disappointment

Remember those chocolate chip cookies I wrote about a few weeks ago? The "perfection" recipe that required both cake flour and bread flour and that needed to rest for a few days in the fridge before baking? Well, we made them and I was completely underwhelmed. Even just out of the oven they were flatter than I was hoping and after 24 hours they were hard enough to hurt your jaws while chewing. What's up with that?

A perfect chocolate chip cookie in my book is soft and generous with a crisp outer crust. The texture should be almost cakey,not doughy, not greasy or flat or hard. My hunt for the perfect recipe goes on.

All done

So, we did it! This afternoon we went to court for the finalization of Ember's adoption. It took about 2 minutes in front of the judge and then it was done. She's ours and we're hers forever.

While we were there I had lots of little flashes on all the steps that brought us to this point. Our initial decision to adopt, all the paperwork and trips over the mountains to get fingerprinted, waiting for our referral and following all the adoption blogs to see what we could expect, seeing Ember's face on the computer screen that day last May when we finally got the call, planning our trip to Ethiopia and then being there, holding Ember in our arms at last.

Oh, it feels so good to be at this point and to know that we have a beautiful little daughter sleeping right now in her crib with her pink blankie pulled lightly over her face the way she likes it. We'll be here to see her grow up and meet the world with that big smile of hers. We'll be here for her forever. And it feels so good to say that.

Witch Hazel

In our front yard.

Ember's Name

On Friday we have our court appointment to finalize Ember's adoption. And yesterday our attorney's assistant called us to confirm and then spent the rest of the call going over Ember's name. I carefully spelled each one (there are 4, you know!)and the call ended.

It's sort of funny how prepared we were with her name before we went to Ethiopia. We called her Ember, but it wasn't used on any of her official paperwork or traveling visa or passport. They used her given name and then Chris's whole name. That's just how it's done. It was a little disappointing, especially since naming your child is so personal and is exclusively the parents' right.

So now on Friday she becomes legally part of our family and finally, finally she'll have the name we chose for her on her new birth certificate and Decree of Adoption. I'm excited and relieved to be on the final step of our adoption journey. And I can't wait to see her new name, the name we gave her, on all those official papers!

The Dilemma

So this is it: the boys loved swimming lessons last session. Now we're into the second week of this session and Yogi won't get into the water - at least not until most of the lesson is over each time.On the first day of this session when his new instructor introduced herself to the group, he just dropped his head into his hands and wept. I think his new instructor is wonderful and he's had the class before so he knows what to expect. Beck isn't in his class, but is just a few feet away in the other group.

So, what do I do? Force him to continue even though he keeps climbing out with a grumpy look on his face and sits on the edge? If I do take him out am I teaching him that it's ok to quit whenever he wants and for no reason? Should I wait and let him take lessons when he's older? Am I wasting money since he won't swim? These are the situations that I find most challenging in parenting.

It's sort of happening in preschool too. The last few weeks Yogi cries when I drop him off. And yesterday he announced that he's quitting preschool. Today when I dropped him off, he looked at me and said, "You know, Mama, I told you I quit! I told you yesterday I QUIT preschool!" I'm not as confused about what to do in this situation since I need both boys to be there so I can attend infant preschool with Ember. But still, it sort of pains me since I only put the boys in this preschool to have fun. They're supposed to be having fun!!

Pumpkins

Oh, and this day was perfect. I walked outside early in the morning, the sky still fuzzy and gray. It was windy, but remarkably warm - my favorite fall weather. I pretty much decided right then that the boys would be skipping preschool. Instead, we would drive east towards the foothills of the Cascades to pick our own pumpkins at the Fall City Farm. Uncle was visiting and had made the suggestion early in his visit.

It was a gorgeous day. You know the kind - the hills dotted with bright splashes of fall color, sun shining in a clean blue sky, clouds riding by in their own time. The kids were delighted with everything. We wandered around the farm, found our pumpkins (enormous, by the way!), went out to lunch, admired the scenery and the country drive, saw the Snoqualmie Falls . It felt so good to get away, to be surrounded by so much beauty, and to see our kids so full of wonder, so happy! I needed this day.

Deep Breaths

I've been a little preoccupied lately with visiting relatives and trying to learn how to relax. Obviously, I have no natural talent in this area so I have to learn the hard way starting with 15 minutes of sitting meditation every morning. Eventually I'm supposed to work up to 45 minutes, but after starting with 5 I'm feeling pretty good just getting to 15. My zafu and zabuton are set up in the furnace room downstairs where I can close the doors and be sure that nobody needs to come in. Also, because of the furnace it's quite warm in there which is especially nice in the morning. The other part of my regimen is a daily session of progressive relaxation. It's only been a week, but I am feeling better - muscles more relaxed, heart slowing down and flipping out less. Feeling happier, I think. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Three kids in a tub...

Pumpkin

There's a real estate salesman who works a lot in our neighborhood who leaves a pumpkin at our door each year with his card stapled to it. The first year we lived here some teenagers used our pumpkin to bash in the back of our car so now I always bring it right in.

This year the boys took one look at it and started asking if we could make a jack-o-lantern. So yesterday, Beck drew a picture of how he wanted it to look, I opened it up, the boys cleaned it out, and I carved it. Beck called it a "ghost pumpkin". The final result does look pretty much exactly like the picture he drew.

Bits and Pieces

Here I am. It's 9pm and I just got back from the second session of a parenting class I'm taking. We talked a lot about praise and our "praise junkie society". We're supposed to encourage instead. Take the judgment out of it -- so instead of saying "Good job!" or "I like that!" you should say, "You did it!" or "I sure appreciate your help!" I'm not so convinced that this will make a significant difference in their lives - I mean, will it really effect their self esteem or confidence? But I'll admit that even this one session made me wake up to all the "good jobs" I rattle off all the time.

What else? Ember: she's trying to crawl! Even in the last few days she's made progress. She is constantly turning from a sitting position to getting on her tummy and today she's started being able to support herself on two hands and one knee instead of flattening instantly onto her stomach. She's also recently started having some stranger anxiety which is a big change for her.

And the boys: the first swimming session is over and Beck was promoted to Seahorse. Yogi will do Tadpoles again, but he's putting his face in now. Today is the first class in our new session.

Photos from the weekend:

The City of Ember

This was one of my favorite children's novels and it's opening tomorrow in theaters. If you haven't read it you must - and do it before you see it on the big screen!

Unpacked

Finally, almost three months since we returned from Ethiopia, I've unpacked the last suitcase. It was mostly empty except for the traditional clothes we received from our agency and the shawls we purchased there ourselves. I carefully folded each beautifully woven piece and all the shawls or netela and gabi and zipped them into a small plastic garment bag.

And I have to say, I felt a little wistful to see those pretty textiles packed away. I love the simple gauzy white cloth with the flash of bright color on the bottom. I just don't know when I would wear one. And now that they're put away it feels even more like our trip is fading into the past. We do have a few things around the house: some baskets, a necklace I bought in Aksum, a handful of beautiful ancient beads, but the shawls and their everyday beauty are quintessential Ethiopia.

Homeschool ?

Tired. Muscle tension. That pretty much covers it for now.

Actually, I did have an interesting experience visiting the Homeschool Resource Center in a neighboring school district. We are considering this as a possibility for our kids, but I'm just exploring our options at this point. As expected, I noticed a few Jesus Now! bumper stickers in the parking lot, some students reading bibles in the library - as well as several girls in burqas and lots of teenagers that didn't look too interested in academics. Hmmm, not sure how well we'd fit in there, but the cool thing about this "school" is that you never have to take any classes on the campus anyway. You do need to have a learning plan and meet with a teacher once every three months, but that's about it. You also get a budget of $500 to spend on the curriculum you use or for other classes or field trips. Could be good, but I want to visit our neighborhood elementary before I make any decisions.

Another day in the park

the latest obsession: Star Wars

Blah, blah, blah...

Well, just when I thought I wasn't doing very well, things took a turn here for the worse. On Thursday night I got a serious episode of sciatica so that on Friday I couldn't walk. I'm not kidding. I could barely move my left leg without piercing pain shooting through my body.

And on top of that Ember started throwing up. She had stopped eating on Thursday so I knew something wasn't right, but although she didn't seem like her cheerful self on Friday, she was still hungry. I fed her a bottle which she vomited onto our couch about a minute later which required a trip to the dry cleaners.

And then during the night on Friday, Yogi started crying and whining and saying that he couldn't sleep. This went on for hours - he tried in our bed, we tried sleeping with him in his bed, nothing worked. Then it occurred to me that it must be an ear infection. On Sunday morning we took him in and the doctor confirmed it. But before we could even get his first dose of medicine, he started throwing up and shaking with fever. That went on for the rest of the day.

But, in spite of all this a few miracles did occur: I needed a new pair of jeans and the first pair that I tried on in the first store I went to fit perfectly. How often does that happen? And then we found an ad on Craig's list for a babysitter looking for work and we interviewed her and hired her for 9 hours a week and she's wonderful! And I've been doing my exercises for sciatica and it's working and I can walk again. And today, nobody is throwing up. See? Miracles!

Portrait of Ember

Ember was a little fussy a few nights ago so Beck said he was going to draw a picture to make her happy. And then he drew this which he explained is a picture of Ember! What makes it extra special is that this is the first time we've ever seen him draw a person at all -- unfortunately, he did it on our white board so all we could do is photograph it. He nailed the hair!

Updates:

1. Court date to finalize Ember's adoption: October 24th!
2. Baby sweater: almost finished with front panel
3. Interviewing a babysitter tonight to come and help on a regular basis. Keeping my fingers crossed that she's a good fit for us!

Pain

I'm home again after a few days of escape at the cabin. Escape from the housework schedule (it's working, but I'm still sick of doing it all), escape from rushing out of the house to get to the next activity, escape from my kitchen and laundry and all the other stuff that seems to be wearing me down lately. I'm ashamed to admit it since I know how much I have to be happy about, but I'm feeling a little down lately. Ok, a lot down. Mostly it's the pain in my upper back from the muscle tension. It's constant now. ALL THE TIME PAIN. My doctor did prescribe a muscle relaxant which does help, but it also makes you sleepy and slushy and a little dull and unmotivated (thus the lack of posts.)

In the past what has helped me the most is yoga and meditation, but the results aren't immediate and it requires regular practice over many months. I have started up again using Jon Kabat-Zinn's mindfulness-based stress reduction program which is the class I took and that helped me immensely after Yogi was born. I was actually pain free for over a year. It's good stuff. No "slushy brain" side effects either.

Our Cuties:

Ember Jane

and the boys.

Just Life

Highlights in the last week or so: Little Miss Sunshine. This was hilarious, of course I am a Steve Carell fan. Which is why I was so happy to see that The Office is back on Thursday nights.

What else? Beck is almost swimming. He surprised everyone in his Tadpole swimming class by plunging his head under the water and starting to swim. Not just once, but over and over. I think he figured out how to keep the water out of his nose and suddenly he's trying to do the strokes. To see his face - huge smile and happy chlorine red eyes - I felt a swell of pride myself. He was so excited.

After class that day, I stopped at the mall on the way home to run a few errands and decided that it might be easiest just to eat lunch there. We stood in line at the Nordstrom cafe and after what felt like a long wait, finally got seated and served. After about 30 seconds and one bite of macaroni and cheese, Beck said the 5 words that make any situation come to a screeching halt: "I have to go potty!!" And since there is no bathroom in the Nordstrom cafe - not even on that floor, I had to pack up everything and everybody and that was the end of lunch. We rushed to the elevator and through a bunch of women's wear departments and did make it on time, but barely.

Mindless Days

I started out my day my trying to "line" my coffee cup with the baby bottle liner. Which reminds me of the cornbread I made the other day where forgot to add the cornmeal. These are hard times, my friends.

Infant Preschool

Ember and I had our infant preschool class again today. The main activity was to "interview" another mom and then introduce her to the rest of the class. And I had to laugh when at one point during the introductions the instructor cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted, "Are you getting this?? CAN ANYONE HEAR??" Of course we couldn't hear - not with all the crying, screeching, moaning, etc... coming from all the babies. What can you expect from 20 babies who have all missed their morning nap?! And my only thought was, no, we can't hear, but what in the world are you going to do about it anyway??

Ember had fun. She sat in a tub of balls for most of the session and when any other babies climbed in, she grabbed their clothes, faces, hair, - basically anything she could get her hands on. She's very grabby.

The CCC Secret again!

I did a quick search today for an explanation of what exactly a "farmhouse" cookie is and the first result was this blog with the post titled "the perfect chocolate chip cookie". Can you guess what her secret is??

Resting the Dough

Hello out there. I am so dog tired right now. I don't know...is it me or are things getting harder? We've only had this schedule for a few weeks, but it feels like so much longer. And I'm starting to crave desserts. In two weeks I've made two cakes with frosting and now I'm thinking about making a batch of chocolate chip cookies. I think it's a sign of stress this craving of sweets.

Anyway, while I was on my walk tonight I was listening to The Splendid Table podcast. I'm not really a foodie and I don't have the time or energy right now to develop my cooking skills, but I love listening to this show - and it's the closest I come to being a gourmet. It's fun to hear people talk so passionately about cheese, or sub rolls, or heirloom tomatoes, or the Coffee Crunch Cake at Blum's. Really I could listen to anything that Lynne Rossetto Kasper has to say: her voice is so warm and smooth and perfectly relaxing all by itself.

Tonight on her show, she interviewed some guy who was trying to perfect the Toll House Cookie recipe and he shared a "secret" I'd never heard of before: resting the dough. He said the longer you let it sit in the refrigerator (up to 36 hours) the better the result - both in taste and texture. Here's the recipe. Looks a bit fussy to me, but I'll at least try the resting part. Enjoy.

Lightning Man

Museum by dumpr.net

Another masterpiece I created on Dumpr!

Ember Exhibit

Modern Art Museum by dumpr.net

Here's a site that will suck up a good chunk of time: Dumpr "The coolest place for digital photography hobbyists". Check it out!

The Solution

This week I took a few minutes to figure out how to make these days go better. Seriously, I feel like each day I just run in a state of panic trying to catch up with the cleaning and organizing and laundry and getting the kids where they need to go. The muscle tension in my back - a long time issue for me - is getting unbearable so I decided to start with taking a closer look at what needs to be done and how I can make it more manageable. Here are my solutions:

1. Do at least 1 load of laundry every day - no exceptions.
2. Assign all the weekly household cleaning tasks a different day since there is no way on earth for me to do it all in one day any more.
3. Each evening after cleaning up the kitchen, prepare as much as possible for the next morning.

And it's working! The muscle tension isn't any better yet, but my days are better so it's a start.

Moodling

From: If You Want to Write: A Book about Art, Independence and Spirit
by Brenda Ueland

"the imagination needs moodling--long, inefficient, happy idling, dawdling and puttering"

And this is why I have no imagination lately.

When you give a kid a camera...

Self portrait. Ember up close. Part of me. Half of Ember. Yogi. Chris, Susan, and Yogi. Look carefully!

Getting out the Door

In my opinion the hardest part of my job as a stay-at-home mom is getting all three kids out the door - especially if we have somewhere to be at a specific time. This year I have somewhere to be four mornings out of five and it's now crystal clear to me that I need to work on streamlining my routine.

The other day I was working through my morning tasks - packing up bottle and diaper stuff, a bib, extra clothes and a pair of underwear for Yogi (just in case), a bottle of water for the car, my wallet and things, lunches packed for the boys for school, sweaters, indoor shoes (required for preschool) -- believe me, the list goes on. And while I'm packing and preparing all this, I have ongoing drink requests, food requests, help with the potty, I try to make the beds, get a load of laundry going, shower, dress, etc... So by the time I'm actually assisting with putting on shoes and buckling Ember into her car seat, I'm sweaty and panting. Not kidding.

And the other day when I was just at this point Yogi pops out the front door, then turns back to look at me and says with a little mischievous smile on his face, "Mama, I'm in the lead!" And I think to myself, Yes, little man, you are in the lead. And that is exactly how it feels!

Baby Feelings

When we met Ember for the first time and took her back to the hotel with us that first day, we didn't really notice any obvious signs of stress or nervousness with us. But now when I look at how different she is, I wonder if Ember really was scared to be pulled out of her little world at the Thomas Center, her quiet life in her crib. For instance, when we first got her she would scream almost panicky before she got her bottle. Was that how she learned to act in order to be fed among 14 other babies or was that because she was unsure of who we were, where she was, and how she'd get another bottle? She acts a little irritated now when she's hungry, but nothing like the first week.

And I remember clearly when we had her on the bed with us back at our hotel, alone for the first time together and I sneezed. Initially she was startled, but then she cried in a way that was so clearly sad and scared. She cried like that two times the first day, but I haven't heard anything like it since. Mostly she seemed her content happy self so we didn't really think much of it, but now my heart hurts a little for her when I remember it. I'm sure there will be more times in her life that she'll be sad for a loss that our boys will never experience. And as her mother, that makes me sad too.

My Favorite Superhero!

Infant Preschool

Ember and I had our first day of infant co-op preschool last week. I know, I know, it seems crazy to me too, but I get 3 credits for each quarter and I need the credits.I'm not sure who thought up this idea of preschool for babies, but just as you would expect the "students" were nursing, sleeping, screaming, crawling around, laying around talking to themselves -- you get the picture. But the good news is that Ember loved it! She sat up straight, eyes bright, watching all the people and full of smiles and giggles. She kept leaning forward to look at the moms sitting adjacent to us and then she'd smile big. She really is so cute.

And it's a little strange that she can sit up so well already. She's one of the youngest in the class and so many of the babies were still laying down on their backs unable to sit yet. To see so many of them together reminded me of big baby seals lined up on the dock. When you consider that Ember was basically flat on her back in a crib for the first four months it's even more amazing. That's my girl! I'm looking forward to seeing her in this class as the year progresses and it'll be fun to have this special time just with her.

From the Library Bag...

From our latest batch of library books, here are two that I thought were especially cute! If you have a little person in your life, check these out:


Alphabet Adventure by Audrey and Bruce Wood
You'll never look at "little i" the same way again!







Ghosts in the House by Kazuno Kohara

A very sweet and simple story with the perfect solution for dealing with ghosts the house!

Knitting

A few weeks before we left for Ethiopia I decided to knit a sweater for baby Ember. How hard could that be, right? She's only a few months old which means small! So, I got started on it 2 weeks ago and managed to cast on the stitches and knit the first two rows. That's it. And it's been sitting there ever since and every time I look over and see it I think to myself, you must have been out of your mind. The funny thing is that Yogi wants the sweater for himself and the other day he noticed it and asked me if it was finished. Well, if you are a #2 pencil it would make a very nice sweater, but that's it.

Anyway, the whole point to this rambling nothingness is that I keep forgetting how to knit and purl properly and I found these wonderful teaching videos which are just perfect for rusty knitters like myself. And advice for anyone else who wants to knit for their newly adopted baby? Start now before you bring her home!

Swimming Lessons

The boys had their first swimming lesson today - in the same pool where I learned to swim about 34 years ago! The pool and the most of the building has changed since I took lessons there, but I did notice that the ceiling tiles were the same. Anyway, they did great! It's so fun to see my boys start doing things since I'm not sure yet how they'll act or what to expect. Even though Beck is a much stronger swimmer, Yogi was the one who seemed to be having more fun. He just goofed around and loved every minute of it. Beck followed all the rules and tried so hard.Actually the fun started for Yogi even before we left the house. As we were walking out the door he shouted to Beck with a big smile on his face, "Look, Beck, we have our own swimming bags!"

One Last Time

Good-bye dipsy doodles! Good-bye pencil jumps!
Good-bye truth or dare! Good-bye Freddy Foo Foo!
Good-bye hot tub and swimming pool! Good-bye summer...

The Last Step

I delivered the last pieces of paper to our attorney today so that we can re-adopt Ember in the United States. This means that she'll be an American citizen and have a US passport. It's also the last step of our adoption process minus a few more post-placement visits by our social worker. The attorney has a fixed fee for adoptions ($500) plus any related court filing costs and photocopies and fees for copies of birth certificates etc... and he says that it should be complete within a month or so.

Half Birthday

Here she is! She was giggling and squealing with delight so hard I was afraid she might hyperventilate. It was adorable.

Tomorrow is Ember's half birthday and this time around I just feel like it's all going too quickly. She is such a little cutie and I'm so enjoying all her babiness. I love the way she rubs her little face with the blanket to help herself fall asleep and then sleeps with her arms up by her face the way babies do. I love the way she sucks on her toes when she's on her back. I love the way she looked at me when the sales lady at Nordstrom gave her a balloon - serious with awe and gratitude just before she went crazy, squealing and kicking her feet she was so excited. I love how she coos softly to herself when she's waking up. I love how she sits with her arms fully extended like she's ready for take-off. I love how her face lights up with a big toothless grin when she sees me. I feel so lucky to have her with us.

Textile Management

It is almost 9pm and I'm still dealing with laundry. I used to wonder what stay-at-home moms did all day and now I know: textile management. It's a never ending job and the most time consuming and boring of all the mostly boring home management tasks that I do.

This is how it works: I get up, haul a load of laundry downstairs. Bring up the clean load, dump it on my just made bed (and making the bed is only a 2 minute per day job, and I know because I've timed it!) Throughout the morning more laundry accumulates - the boys' jammies, the bibs from breakfast, Yogi's clean outfit that he got all wet while playing with the hose on the way to the car to go to preschool, the pile of white bar towels that we use to clean up spills and little messes. Ok, so now I have another load to bring downstairs. The loads just keep moving through until it's evening and we've just put the boys down and I start in on the folding. And the putting away.

But it's more that just doing the laundry. It's the ongoing job of culling through the drawers and closets pulling out the things they've grown out of. Sorting them for donation or hand-me-down. It's buying new stuff in larger sizes and then returning things that ended up being the wrong size. It's a huge job. And, I'm not even kidding, I have to go now so I can finish putting the piles away that are still sitting on my bed so that there's room for me to get in it.

Go, Batman!

Overheard while working in the kitchen as the boys played Batman in the living room:

Yogi: Batman, there's a bat over there!
Beck (as Batman): I'm not afraid of bats!
Yogi: You just tackle them?
Beck: No, I kick their asses!!

Christmas Shopping?

Idea for Chris: The condiment gun.:

The Green Spoon

This is what you look like when your brother gets the green spoon and you're willing to let your Cheerios go soggy while you wait for him to finish so you can have it.

There are a lot of conflicts here over green tableware these days.

Late Summer Afternoon

It's Over

It's the last day of summer for us and I think I have a little case of the "end of summer blues". It's not that I especially love the season, it's just that it's the only season that I do certain things like wear short sleeved shirts, or sit outside in my parents' hot tub with the all the kids in the family, or pick blackberries, or visit Yellowstone. I don't think the other seasons have exclusive rights on some of my favorite activities like summer does. And when it ends I worry and shuffle back through the days in my mind trying to remember if I did all that I wanted and enough times. It's cold out today too. Cold enough that our furnace keeps trying to cycle on and I've been wearing a fleece over a long-sleeved shirt all day.

The boys start back at preschool this week and we just added swimming lessons which start next week along with Ember's infant co-op preschool. We'll have a busy schedule and the structure is nice in it's own way, but I'm going to miss that summer sun on my skin. I didn't get enough of it this year.